So I’ve been licking my wounds from Mr. Disappearing Act, and trying to just forget the whole douchebaggery thing. It hasn’t been easy. He really did a number on me. As chance would have it, another guy that I have been in communication with through OkCupid was coming to town. Like Mr. Disappearing Act, he is also from NYC. What’s up with these NYC guys? We clicked like bros from the beginning, at least over internet. In fact, I felt like we would instantly establish one of those awesome guy/girl friendships. The kind where you can just be yourself. You tell him everything and he gives you the best advice. Well, yeah, that happened, but one thing led to another and we had amazing sex together. The whole online dating thing has been a bit of a disaster as of late, so I was just hoping for uncomplicated fun. The first night we were together he told me that he loved me. My response was….crickets. I’ve never had a guy tell me they love me on the first actual date! I don’t just throw I love you’s out there so easily. For me, it’s reserved selectively and maybe even more selectively than most. I gave him the benefit of doubt and thought, ok, this guy was a bit buzzed. We had some liquid beverages. He’s entitled to saying some crazy shit, right? Well, he texted me totally sober today saying that he loves me and wants me to move in with him. What? It sucks, because I thought he was cool, but this is just sending out all kinds of red flags. Too bad because he seemed like someone I could get along with, but this has sent off all kinds of creepy alarms. Universe, please take pity on me and maybe give me a freebie normal? Just to get me back in business. Thank you.
Do You Want Your Ex Back?
So you’re going through a breakup and don’t know what to do with yourself. Your ex somehow manages to haunt your every thought. All you can focus on is how he might be the one that gets away. You wonder what he is doing, who he is with, and if he has moved on to a new love interest. Most likely he is suffering just as much as you and is still sorting out his feelings, even if he may be better at hiding his emotions. You try to confide in your friends and family, but their best advice is to just move on – you deserve better. This, of course, is not what you want to hear. Why can’t they just give you practical advice on how to get what you want – your guy back! In all fairness, your friends and family just want to see you happy and successful. They want you to be with someone who fully appreciates you for the amazing person that you are. They especially want to see you get out of your bathrobe, to take a shower for crying out loud, and to be fun again! But what do they know, right? Or so you think. Here’s where you really have to trust your instincts and do some serious soul searching, because after all, only you can decide what is best for you. Do you really want him back?
Give yourself at least a 30 day no contact period. And by no contact, that means zero contact. Zip. Nada. You both need time to sort through your feelings. This period will give you time to work on yourself and to become the desirable person that attracted him in the first place. It’s likely that the ex will contact you during this time. Once they stop hearing from you, they may start wondering if you have moved on yourself. It’s all about the Rubber Band Theory – when you pull away, it only draws them closer. Ever heard of absence makes the heart grow fonder? While it may seem rude to ignore their phone calls, or their text messages, you are taking this time for you. Think about how you may have contributed to the breakup, and be completely honest with yourself. Were you being overly clingy or jealous? Were there certain patterns or characteristics in your behavior that may have caused friction? What can you change about yourself, if anything, that might potentially restore balance? Remember, we can only bring about changes in ourselves. We can’t fix other people. So while it’s possible for the ex to change during this time apart, you can’t expect that the person who returns will be any different than the one who broke your heart. The first week of no contact is the hardest, but you can do it! Do it for you.
Get your groove back. Go to the gym, buy yourself a new outfit, update your haircut – treat yourself! Let’s face it, you have been through a rough spell and the new you deserves to hear some compliments. And while you’re looking fabulous, why not capture the new you and update that outdated profile photo on your social sites. The feedback will remind you of just how amazing you really are, and chances are the ex will be scoping out how good you look. Feeling good and looking fabulous is the best revenge, just don’t throw it in his face too much. Refrain from posting a flood photos with hot new guys. There’s no need to be tacky. Just look good and make him wonder who it is you are trying to impress. Wink. Nothing like a little green eyed monster to get him thinking about you again.
Get back in the game. Time to call all the friends you’ve put on hold while you were in a relationship. Getting together with friends will take your mind off the breakup and help reintroduce you to a social network outside of the relationship. During relationship down time, it’s important to meet new people and try out new hobbies. Sites such as Meetup.com can be pretty valuable in terms of meeting new people with common interests. You may not be ready to date just yet, so joining in on group events may help you to feel attractive and alive again, without the pressure of actually dating. And if you do want to test the waters of dating, there are always sites like OkCupid and Match. But isn’t that like cheating if I want my ex back? No. You stopped being in a relationship the minute he broke up with you. You are using this time for self-awareness and discovery. Do what feels right for you.
Evaluate. So you made it through the 30 days. It was difficult in the beginning to avoid talking to him. At this point, you may feel like you’re in a safety zone, and may even be a little afraid of reaching out due to fear of rejection. This is all perfectly normal. The important thing is that you have taken time for you and probably have a better sense of self and confidence that was lacking a month ago. Do you still want him back? Maybe you were more in love with the comfort of not being alone then actually being with him? You may just realize that he truly is the man of your dreams, you just needed some time apart to see the big picture. If this is the case, then give it a shot and reach out to him. Just be sure to not bring up any past negativity when you do. This is a chance for a fresh start, so keep whatever you say light and positive. Best of luck!
Have you ever won an ex back? How did it work out for you? Feel free to share your stories.
Mr. Disappearing Act: Why Isn’t He Calling or Texting Me Back?
If you’ve spent any time at all in the online dating world, you’ve likely come across this guy. You know the kind. He seemed so perfect on paper when he reached out to you, and not just perfect, but…different. The buildup to the first date was intense, and once you met, you were overjoyed by the amount of chemistry there seemed to be between you. He might possibly be…the one. Things couldn’t have possibly gone any better on the date. There’s even discussion of a “next time”. Dreamy sigh.
Then you never hear from him again. End of story. Cue wtf just happened music.
In my case, this scenario played out with a guy that I’ll just refer to as “Le Douche” aka the guy that walked away just when things were going great. LD, we’ll call him, reached out to me one day through OkCupid, right around the time I was starting to get the “all online dating guys are the same” feeling that creeps up every now and then. I was a bit skeptical – he was in NYC, while I am in DC. LD reassured me that while there are miles between us, a relationship might be possible if the chemistry is there and both parties are willing to travel. Heck yeah I’d travel for this guy. He is attractive and looks great on paper. NYC is cool and not really that far away. I’ve even tossed around the idea of moving there recently, so what great timing! Not to mention he was blown away by my profile enough to consider traveling. “I can tell you’re the kind of girl that’s going to make me put miles on my car,” he wrote playfully. Aww, hot damn! We had so much in common that our profiles were practically mirrors of one another. Sign me up! I played it cool though, and was like; sure, we can check it out and see what happens. Shrug.
Due to the distance, we communicated longer than what’s typical for most online daters. Personally, I like to meet asap if things are looking good. No use in prolonging a meet-up and possibly wasting each others time, right? We spent a good month communicating and getting to know one another. There were phone calls, webcam dates, a steady flow of texts throughout the day, and pictures. Lots of cute pictures to keep things flirty. No, not those kinds of photos. I’m not that crazy. Yet. Things were heating up very quickly. We had so much in common; we could even finish each others sentences. We shared the same quirky sense of humor, something I considered a huge bonus. I was completely smitten.
We decided for our first date, we would meet half way and spend a few hours together in Philly. He was only able to stay a few hours, as his brother was visiting the family from out of state, so while we didn’t have much time, 3 hours should be enough to gauge any chemistry we might have. It was instant chemistry from the moment I saw him. I wanted to pounce on him like a wild, hungry animal. Instead, I clammed up just a little and restrained myself from any animalistic behaviors that might seem creepy. We had lunch at an Irish pub and after a beer I was feeling pretty relaxed. I mean, we were already pretty well acquainted with one another, so that took away some of the initial awkwardness. The good news – I was every bit as attracted to him and his personality as I had been on our Skype dates. Score!
After lunch, LD offered to drive me to my car. We were so playful together. LD seemed so perfect for me. We playfully air punched at each other when the elevator doors closed on the way up to his car in the parking garage. The humor that we shared online translated well in real life, as I was hoping it would. It was like the universe was handing me the whole package. Finally. It’s about time universe! The sexual tension was at a boiling point. A few minutes of talking in his car led to one of the most intense make-out scenes I’ve ever had, all initiated by him. It. Was. Wild. We both affirmed that the other was an amazing kisser, not that it needed to be stated. You could feel the passion and energy between us. We stayed there in his car for an hour and did everything except “the deed”. He whispered how much of a turn on I was, and how he really wanted to go all the way, but not in a parking garage. “Next time, another way,” he said softly in my ear. “So I’ll see you again?” I asked playfully. “Yes, of course. I’m not the kind of guy that does this and you never hear from me again,” assured LD. Awesome.
I smiled the entire drive home, feeling like an inner sexual tigress had been fully released. I dreamily imagined how our next time would be, and already longed for his sweet kisses. I wondered how soon he would contact me. He didn’t that night, but that was understandable since his brother was visiting. Hmmm, no message the next morning either. Weird. LD always messaged me right after waking. No big deal. People have lives after all and aren’t robots. I decided to reach out to him and sent a text saying that it was great to finally meet him. LD replied, apologizing for not texting sooner, and explained that he was having some friends over to watch football and was busy preparing food. No worries. The next day he initiated a text that said “Oh my head”. Apparently, he drank too much with his buddies from game day. His next and last text was about playing golf in the rain and how he should have stayed home. Boring. Was he trying to bore me away? What happened to his frequent cute, fun messages? They suddenly felt forced and were lacking. That was the last message I received from him.
It’s been 6 days now, and not a peep from him. It drove me nuts the first several days, wondering why he disappeared. I even thought about sending a sarcastic text in an effort to get things going again, saying something like, “Hey LD, what happened? Did you get run over by a golf cart?” But no. Just no. I’m not desperate and have a certain amount of pride. If he was interested, he would reach out to me. Point taken, LD. I’ve seen him signed into OkCupid countless times since, so I know he’s still breathing. I have a clear idea of the kind of person that I want to be with in this life. LD shared many of those qualities, but I can do without the douchey love em and leave em behavior. I could easily over-analyze what I did, what I wore, what I said, but I realize this is probably more about him than me. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt and extremely disappointed that he hit the fade button without warning or reason. Your loss LD. Your loss.
Have you dated a Mr. Disappearing Act? Or maybe you are one of these players. I’d love to hear your experiences.